A note my dear teacher friend in Minnesota sent me that I think everyone (ESPECIALLY first year teachers, TFA and non-TFA) should read.
Hannah,
If we’re being honest here, this is the first time I’ve read your blog post, BUT, I’m very glad I did. And here’s why…
I feel the same way. You are bored living in the Delta. I am bored living in St. Cloud. I feel there is no one here who is under the age of 30 and not married. My college roommate lives nearby, but she doesn’t like driving into town on the weekends. I drove out to see her a few times. Then I stopped. Since then, she’s seen me once, after work. She has yet to drive into town just to see me.
I feel like I should make friends, but I spend 12 hours at school and I live alone. I tend to leave on the weekends so I can see people I know. So, I tell myself I don’t have time to make friends. I convince myself next semester will be easier. Maybe I’ll make friends then.
As far as teaching goes, I’ve been barely keeping my head above water. I thought continuous weeks of 6-or-less hours of sleep a night were a thing of the past, left behind with graduation. But they’re not. If I go to be before midnight, it’s a good night. I’m supposed to leave my apartment at 7:10, if I want to be on time for my contractual start time. I’m consistently 10 minutes late. (That part of my life hasn’t changed.)
Coming into this job, I thought I was pretty good. At the time of graduation, I don’t think I’d had any major classroom management issues. I was the only person that managed to teach something during the classroom management lesson in Mattson. Now, I spend hours wondering what I did to create a classroom environment where I have to wait two minutes for everyone’s attention. Where I consistently say the same six names everyday. Where I feel like I’ve lost control of my classroom.
In student teaching, I had, in my opinion, created relevant, engaging, and successful lesson. I knew I wasn’t the best, but I thought I’d be all right. Now, I don’t even bother to make a PowerPoint for the day’s lesson. I plan my lessons 15 minutes before school. I show far more videos than I ever thought I would. And, I don’t know how to relate World History to students’ lives. I haven’t taken the time. And, I’m disappointed in myself for that.
I am very envious of people who work only 9-5. For a while, I was considering giving it all up, moving to a farm, growing my own food, and subbing just enough to pay for gas and insurance. Or becoming a waitress. And, despite all the times I thought, “Someone else has it worse,” and pictured a starving African orphan, I still was unhappy with my life. I kept telling myself, “Survive this year. Maybe you can make a change next year.” By change, I meant move back to Iowa, to what I know, to safety, to home. And, while I still sometimes entertain those ideas, something happened today.
To understand what happened today, you need to know that I had my first formal observation by the principal on Friday. I thought it was a pretty bad lesson. At the request of the other World History teacher, we were covering nationalism and the Industrial Revolution in one day. First off, I didn’t know much about nationalism until the day before. While nationalism is a little bit more relatable to students than, say, the Safavid Empire (Did you know they were a thing? Because I didn’t, until I got to teach them a few weeks ago.), I didn’t think I had enough time to talk about current nationalism conflicts. So I didn’t. As for the Industrial Revolution, it is usually considered the second-most important event in all of history. I spent twenty minutes on it. Basically, my principal saw me talk for nearly 85 minutes straight. The students didn’t contribute very much. I threw in a few questions for her benefit. And to wake the students back up because, let’s be honest, me talking for 85 minutes is not very exciting. Especially right away in the morning. Especially when I haven’t really given you a reason to care.
Today, I had my post-evaluation conference. I was fully prepared to go in there, admit I had a poor lesson, and set goals to better myself. Big goals, since I have so far to go. (Side note: I hate writing goals.) But, I sat down, and, instead of reminding me of all the engagement things I should be doing, she told me what a good teacher I was. While she encouraged me to use more formative assessments (and she’s right), she also told me I have great content knowledge. (Keep in mind, most of what I talked about, I learned the night before.) She told me I had built relationships with each of my students. That this is some thing she can’t teach people. And that not everyone has it. She told me she was so excited to see me grow and improve. And, she told me over and over again that I sparkle when I’m teaching. Sparkle. Me? But I’m doing such a bad job. I’m doing my students a disservice. They could be learning so much more about World History. But, she thinks I sparkle.
And, while I think I’m a little to tomboyish to actually wear anything with sparkles, it was so nice to hear. With that word, she reminded me how much I love teaching, despite all its challenges. How much I care about my students. And, how excited I am to have the opportunity to do this for most of the rest of my life.
So, Hannah, I want you to know that you’re not the only one. Sometimes, school sucks. Home sucks. Life sucks. But, I want you to know that you sparkle. You bring light wherever you are. Your laughter is contagious. Students love you. Peers love you. You sparkle, and you make the world around you better. So, while I’m in no position to give advice, I’m going to. Take a deep breath. Remember that one time a student made you laugh for a stupid reason. Get a good night’s sleep. Warm your face in the Sun tomorrow morning. Smile at your students. And just be happy.
Good luck!
- Erica
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