Rough title to this post, am I right? It'll make sense soon.
I'm going to be honest. I first started this blog when I lived abroad in college. I added to it when I wanted to share exciting things happening in my classroom during my exotic two years in the Mississippi Delta. But, when it came to the tough stuff, I avoided the blog. I'll just tell it how it is: It is so much more fulfilling to make people think I'm fucking awesome. Teaching kids, traveling the world, telling funny stories, and posting pictures of the cutest vet-determined-obese little rescue dog in the entire world.
But here's the dirty truth: I have depression and anxiety. I've been in therapy for 8 years. I've been on medication for 5 years, with some shifts and changes in the prescriptions if they weren't working. I've tried exercise, I've tried meditation, I've tried "positive thinking" and more. I've read Pinterest articles and I've read books, but most of all, I've tried the "throw myself into my job so far that I'll never have time to think about my life's shortcomings" approach. And it works. Until I fall short at something in my job and realize I'm not good at anything, I'm not a good person, and I'm not worth being here on Earth. Shit. Gets. Fucking. Real.
My therapist says I'm not my thoughts. My "thoughts" are making me feel this way, and my thoughts aren't based in reality. That, my friends, is anxiety. Do one thing wrong and BAM no one will ever forgive you, you're a failure, you're worthless, and things will never be okay again. Raise your hands in the air (like you really REALLY care) if you've been there. "Catastrophic thinking" is what we call it when we're talking about kids with trauma. Basically, it means that one tiny mishap can feel like the absolute end of the world. It's amazing how much of my self-work directly translates to what I do with my kids. I wish I would actually listen to myself when I talk to them.
One of the biggest lessons I want my students to take with them when they leave my classroom is this: Failure is GOOD. Failure helps us grow. I explain it to them like this: Your brain is a muscle. Every time you struggle or fail and you overcome it, your brain gets stronger. YOU get stronger. Mistakes help us learn so that we can do better next time. And YET, I don't fucking take my own advice. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? (there go the thoughts again)
So, I've decided that there are some confessions and lessons I want to share about failure. Here we go:
1. I fail in little ways literally every single day. I snap at a student when I swore I'd be nice, I drop the ball on something I SWORE I'd get done for my teammates, I don't put enough effort into my friendships even though I know I'm the luckiest girl in the world, I neglect my dog even though his eyes overflow with unconditional love, I eat nachos instead of broccoli, I mis-read a text from my boyfriend and get upset over nothing, I forget to print the math worksheets....I can go ON and ON. Literally every single day.
2. I also make big mistakes. I fail BIG. I drink too much and say something hurtful to a person I love. I get overwhelmed with my students' big feelings and instead of sharing my calm, I lose my cool. I total my car.
3. I am NOT good at forgiving myself. Just like some of my students, I have catastrophic thinking. When I make mistakes or, even worse, FAIL, my world is over. No matter what anyone else says, I know in my mind that I'll never be forgiven. If I do something that hurts someone that I love, I am SURE that I've lost them forever. I'm a horrible friend, a horrible person, a horrible teacher, and a waste of space. THAT is anxiety, folks. And anxiety is a BITCH.
4. Every single time I fail, without question, the world goes on. And EVERY SINGLE TIME, I'm genuinely and completely shocked. My friends, family, colleagues, and boyfriend forgive me. I repair relationships with my students and we move on. Bentley and I snuggle or go for a walk and he looks up at me with those eyes-filled-with-unconditional-love and the world is in orbit once again.
5. Sometimes I make mistakes, feel like I've failed the biggest fail and no one will ever want to be around me again, and it turns out no one else even noticed. WHY, anxiety?! WHY?!
6. Failures are just another reminder that we are human. Nobody is perfect. FAILURE REMINDS US THAT WE ARE HUMAN. (Say it louder for the people in the back.)
So. In conclusion. I'm awesome. I work my ass off. I love my job. I have the BEST friends and family. And yes, I make mistakes. So many. I need to listen to my own advice. I need to remember that my mistakes don't define me. My failures don't make me worthless. I am enough. I am imperfect. I am learning and growing. I'll be okay.
I'm going to be honest. I first started this blog when I lived abroad in college. I added to it when I wanted to share exciting things happening in my classroom during my exotic two years in the Mississippi Delta. But, when it came to the tough stuff, I avoided the blog. I'll just tell it how it is: It is so much more fulfilling to make people think I'm fucking awesome. Teaching kids, traveling the world, telling funny stories, and posting pictures of the cutest vet-determined-obese little rescue dog in the entire world.
See what I'm saying though? SO FREAKING CUTE.
But here's the dirty truth: I have depression and anxiety. I've been in therapy for 8 years. I've been on medication for 5 years, with some shifts and changes in the prescriptions if they weren't working. I've tried exercise, I've tried meditation, I've tried "positive thinking" and more. I've read Pinterest articles and I've read books, but most of all, I've tried the "throw myself into my job so far that I'll never have time to think about my life's shortcomings" approach. And it works. Until I fall short at something in my job and realize I'm not good at anything, I'm not a good person, and I'm not worth being here on Earth. Shit. Gets. Fucking. Real.
My therapist says I'm not my thoughts. My "thoughts" are making me feel this way, and my thoughts aren't based in reality. That, my friends, is anxiety. Do one thing wrong and BAM no one will ever forgive you, you're a failure, you're worthless, and things will never be okay again. Raise your hands in the air (like you really REALLY care) if you've been there. "Catastrophic thinking" is what we call it when we're talking about kids with trauma. Basically, it means that one tiny mishap can feel like the absolute end of the world. It's amazing how much of my self-work directly translates to what I do with my kids. I wish I would actually listen to myself when I talk to them.
One of the biggest lessons I want my students to take with them when they leave my classroom is this: Failure is GOOD. Failure helps us grow. I explain it to them like this: Your brain is a muscle. Every time you struggle or fail and you overcome it, your brain gets stronger. YOU get stronger. Mistakes help us learn so that we can do better next time. And YET, I don't fucking take my own advice. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? (there go the thoughts again)
So, I've decided that there are some confessions and lessons I want to share about failure. Here we go:
1. I fail in little ways literally every single day. I snap at a student when I swore I'd be nice, I drop the ball on something I SWORE I'd get done for my teammates, I don't put enough effort into my friendships even though I know I'm the luckiest girl in the world, I neglect my dog even though his eyes overflow with unconditional love, I eat nachos instead of broccoli, I mis-read a text from my boyfriend and get upset over nothing, I forget to print the math worksheets....I can go ON and ON. Literally every single day.
2. I also make big mistakes. I fail BIG. I drink too much and say something hurtful to a person I love. I get overwhelmed with my students' big feelings and instead of sharing my calm, I lose my cool. I total my car.
3. I am NOT good at forgiving myself. Just like some of my students, I have catastrophic thinking. When I make mistakes or, even worse, FAIL, my world is over. No matter what anyone else says, I know in my mind that I'll never be forgiven. If I do something that hurts someone that I love, I am SURE that I've lost them forever. I'm a horrible friend, a horrible person, a horrible teacher, and a waste of space. THAT is anxiety, folks. And anxiety is a BITCH.
4. Every single time I fail, without question, the world goes on. And EVERY SINGLE TIME, I'm genuinely and completely shocked. My friends, family, colleagues, and boyfriend forgive me. I repair relationships with my students and we move on. Bentley and I snuggle or go for a walk and he looks up at me with those eyes-filled-with-unconditional-love and the world is in orbit once again.
5. Sometimes I make mistakes, feel like I've failed the biggest fail and no one will ever want to be around me again, and it turns out no one else even noticed. WHY, anxiety?! WHY?!
6. Failures are just another reminder that we are human. Nobody is perfect. FAILURE REMINDS US THAT WE ARE HUMAN. (Say it louder for the people in the back.)
So. In conclusion. I'm awesome. I work my ass off. I love my job. I have the BEST friends and family. And yes, I make mistakes. So many. I need to listen to my own advice. I need to remember that my mistakes don't define me. My failures don't make me worthless. I am enough. I am imperfect. I am learning and growing. I'll be okay.
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